My birthday next week

TGIF! It is going to be my birthday next week Wednesday and I will be 33. I have to say the last year has been a good year for me. It was hard but a good year of growing and learning more about myself. Is it ever easy to see all the things you were doing wrong? My co-worker always told me the 30's were really good, but I never believed her. I think I do now. Anyway, I am really excited to see what my boyfriend gets me for a gift. He won't tell me of course and I haven't given him any ideas...I wonder?

It is the time of year that my sweets eating starts to get out of control. Yesterday we had a November/December b-day celebration at my office. My co-worker brought in a variety of cookies, brownies and ice cream..my favorites! I had a brownie w/ ice cream and a cookie and decided to stop there. I had flexpoints to cover it plus some but I kind of realized as I watched people eat and eat that it was not worth it to have more. I am so happy with where I am at, that I didn't want to overindulge. I love that my pants are loose and I like feeling healthy and not bloated. I don't think my other weight loss attempts where ever so insightful or conscious.

Past weight lost history: My first large weight loss attempt involved Herbalife. My co-worker's wife had lost 30 pds and I asked her how she did it and she said she sold Herbalife. So I bought some and started losing weight. I drank 2 shakes a day and they were quite good at the time....but lost their appeal a year into it. Had a meat and 2 veggies for dinner and that was it. I did not give into sweet cravings but I did take some form of ephredra that was in their green tea pills. I think that really suppressed my appetite. Anyway, I think I did that for over 2 years...even though it was really boring and I wanted sweets the whole time. I did not excercise at all. I started at 216 and got to 165. When I quit doing it I gained up to 185 for a while then gained up to 207. I think I did this solely by eating peanut butter cup flurries and mini candy bars at work. Oh, and I didn't know this at the time, but I lost all my muscle. I was fatter after this diet bigtime! I also think it may of been responsible for my hypothyroid..but I don't know for sure.

I got back up to over 200 again. I then started weight watchers (at work) and lost 25 pds in a year. I also quit doing that and gained back up to 206 after reading a book a nutritionist told me to read....what was it? It was a book about eating what you want when you crave it and you will naturally be at a weight that is healthy for you. That is not true, at least not for me. I started eating pop-tarts excessively. I also during this time had developed ganglian cysts on both of my feet pads and they made it painful for me to excercise. And of course I met my boyfriend and I gained the "love ten" or "fifteen".

Last February I got a good foot doctor and he gave me cortisone shots, my foot problem is gone. Now I am doing weight watchers on my own and have lost a little over 10 pounds. I excercise on the treadmill and lift weights 3x a week. If I have cravings for something I have it. If I go over in points I say I will do better tommorow. I stopped being strict and hard on myself and I feel this is a better way to go.

So it's Thursday....

A lot of things have been floating around my head lately. I have been in a pretty good mood lately. A couple of weeks ago I thought I was going to explode from emotional heaviness or have some kind of mental breakdown. I think this journal, sleeping enough and excercise has helped me a bit. Also, I had some issues with a co-worker and I talked to her about it as well as talked to my boss about some things I needed to change for my work sanity. I think before I used to go to food to help me through those types of things and I would ignore ever confronting those things in my life. I guess I thought they didn't matter or that I didn't want to hurt or bother someone else.

I kind of realized that I need to get my feelings and frustrations out or they will harm me either emotionally or physically (in the form of fat). That is why posting to this journal is helpful. Sometimes I worry that my boyfriend will read it and think I am going out of my mind, but I realize that is ok. We are all out of our mind sometimes. My boyfriend's mother said to me the other day that "we are all on a journey to self-acceptance", I agree with that and that was an enlightening thought to me. I really want to accept myself and think that losing weight and getting healthy is a way to take care of myself so that I can realize how important "me" is. I don't think it is just a vanity thing for me, I think it is that I realize the importance of my health...finally.

Almost 2 years ago now I met my boyfriend. I thought I was doomed to single life and bad dates forever. Anyway, through this relationship I think I kind of found myself..that inner child that was wounded and hiding in there. Sometimes it was sooo hard, but I feel that I am finally on the right track to accepting myself. Wow, I feel that I have been a slow learner. But I finally feel at almost 33 that I am at a place where I could raise a child and do well at it. Not that I am pregnant or near marriage. But for the future, it is a good thought.

Thanks for reading/listening.

Strike that, reverse it

Yes I am an 80's child. Anyway, it is my weigh-in day and I did not gain but actually lost .6 pds. A little over half. The scale plays weird tricks on me. I know your not suppossed to weigh yourself everyday or whatever...but sometimes I just like to. So 3 candy bars can = weight loss? A little confusing, but it is calories in vs. calories out so I guess I was at a deficit. It is a dreary day in Michigan today, winter is coming. And my goal to step it up and cut down on sugar is still on of course. I want to lose at least a pound a week.

I did not mention before but I am going on a cruise in March to the Carribean and I really want to get to goal so I don't feel like a big fatty in my swimsuit. I love to swim and am hoping to get a tankini that actually looks good on me for my cruise.

Thanks for the comments!

The best thing about losing 10 pds....

I am posting twice today, yes. I just noticed something while walking around my office building to get my lunch...my pants are super loose. Before I lost the 10 pds. my pants were busting at the seams, I thought I would have to go up a size even. After I lost the 10 pds. they are loose and comfty. I am really proud of myself. Even if this next 10 pounds is hard to get off, I am happy with the 10 I lost because I can fit into my pants again. Also, it is important that I keep this 10 pds. off. I feel so much better and am more confident. This is mainly because I no longer have the "muffin top" I used to have. It sucked, it would show through sweaters and tshirts...it made me so uncomfortable.

Anyway, 10 pds. is a lot of weight to loose....even though people really don't notice it, I notice. I did get upset quite a few times because no one noticed my weight loss and everyone noticed and doted on my boyfriends weight loss. (He basically lost 20 pds. just by not eating fast food in same amount of time). I am doing this for me and not other people. So if anyone is being hard on themselves for not losing more, just look at what you have done so far and try to keep it off. I know it is hard to appreciate past efforts and not get down on yourself, but I think we all need to be a little nicer to ourselves.

3 Candy bars does not = weight loss

So I weighed myself a day early this morning. Wednesday is usually my weigh-in day. It looks like I gained about a half a pound (unofficially)! My second ten pounds doesn't feel like it is coming off as easy. I know why the scale is up...my 3 candy bars plus cookies on Halloween and munching on marshmallows throughout the week. I think that Weight Watchers wants you to eat something a little healthier than cookies and candy with your extra points. Duh.

So I do excercise, which if you do the math on a calorie calculator site you can see how much more you can eat then when you don't excercise. So...I think I am going to go for the jogging workout card from Nordictrack. That is the treadmill I own. I hate giving them the free advertising, but their little workout cards are kind of cool. I am the kind of person who does not have the motivation on my own to up the intensity of my workout without a program. I will just walk at 3 mph if I let myself. So anyway, these make me push myself. I already have done the beginner weight loss card twice so I think it is time to get my butt in gear and start jogging. Sometimes in the past I have found it is easier to jog than to walk really fast....so I am hoping this is still true. If anyone wants to comment on that that or anything, it would be cool.

I also lift weights 3 times a week using my boyfriends bowflex machine. Sometimes I think I am a big dummy and am not using the machine correctly....shouldn't I be buff by now? I have been lifting longer than I have been cutting calories. (I thought maybe I can just lift and excercise and lose weight, NOPE). I have been lifting since July and weight watching since September. But that is only like 4 months or something. Anyway, I hope the bowflex is helping me. Also we have a body fat measuring scale and that scale bothers me a little. My body fat is way too high and when I get on that thing I am reminded of how far I still need to go. It is depressing sometimes. You cannot be in denial about your weight when you have that scale.

So lesson for this week and note to self: STEP IT UP, and cut down the sugar.

Hello Monday

Well I thought I would of suffered through the weekend not being able to eat very much because I ate all my flexpoints almost on Halloween. All but 10. I felt sick on Thursday and Friday and did not eat much. I wonder why? I felt better Saturday and Sunday, managed to eat well and excercise, so I didn't feel that deprived. So strange but it wasn't that bad.

I have been reading quite a lot of other blogs and find that people actually do not eat their flex points. I don't know how they do that? The flex points are what I actually like about Weight Watchers and keeps me on plan. I can have little splurges each week, just not big ones. Anyway, if I had one piece of advice for people who wanted to lose weight I would say buy a treadmill and use it! Use it as much as you can. Being healthy is so much more important than starving yourself.

Diet absurdity to me: My boyfriends mother is on a diet and she says she trys to eat 500 calories a day. She injects herself with HGH and says she is not hungry. I try to be nice about this to her, but your body needs at least 1200 calories a day just to sit. If you excercise, it needs so much more. That is why excercise is good, you can actually eat....not starve. It also helps with depression and anxiety, stuff I deal with from time to time.

The day after Halloween

Well, did I do well on Halloween?....umm, I would say it is an improvement from previous Halloweens...but I still ate more candy than I should of. My boyfriend insisted he buy the trick or treater candy because I guess he didn't trust me all that much with the task. He knows my history. So since he did that, what did I do? I bought myself 3 candy bars and ate all 3 after dinner. It was so good...but it was hard to stop once I ate those...so I went on to the candy he bought. He bought Pay Days and Twizzlers. I ate one of each after that. I totaled 25 points over for the day. Oh, I forgot to mention that Wednesday my 35 flex points get renewed so it seems that I had an extra excuse to be bad. I also rationalized all of this in my head somehow. The whole lifestyle changing thing is a catch22 in a way. Can I never eat candy on any Halloween in the future? In reality, not likely. So that is how I rationalized it. I also don't pay for Weight Watchers and do the program on my own. I used to have it at work and they cancelled it. Anyway, todays another day. I will start again.