Back at work

It is almost February and that means at the end of February is the cruise. Yeah! It has been so cold and dreary out I cannot wait to have sun and warmth on my face. I get really excited then have to calm myself down because it is still a month away. I am getting up in the mornings again and working out. On Thursday and Friday it is important for me to get up early because in the evening it is hang out with the bf nights. I have to work out 5 or 6 days a week to keep losing weight, while he gets away with 1 time a week and still manages to lose as much weight as I do. A little sad, but true...muscle, wish I had more of it.

I had the day off yesterday and pretty much ate all day. I went over 11 flexpoints and that is with working out. I ate and slept. I feel great today and I think sometimes you need a day like that. I thought I would be bored, but I really found it to be relaxing and enjoyable. If you haven't taken a day like that in a while, I strongly suggest you do. I think it recharges you and your motivation. I like snow days, and my dog was happy about it too.

Lost 1.8 pds today and got a free day off

The weather was pretty bad I guess because the college I work at is closed for the day. The good news is that I lost 1.8 pounds this week by pushing myself a little more on the treadmill. Short post today.

Back on track?

Well I am feeling like I am getting a better handle on weight loss this week. I have been eating a lot more veggies and exercising in the mornings again. I feel confident that I will lose a pound this week. That is a good feeling, to know that you are not just wishing you lose weight or hoping you won't gain. I have to say that the cruise has been a big motivator and that I ordered the swim suit I wanted from the Internet and I want it to look good on me. I will just be crossing my fingers on that one...if not I will send it back.

I am a little upset with myself that I gave all my shorts to Goodwill. I was cleaning out my house because it's for sale..and just wanted to get rid of stuff. I looked at my shorts and thought...I haven't worn these for so long...I don't think I ever will...so I will get rid of them. The sad thing is, is that they would fit me now..and I really liked them. I could of worn them on the cruise. I guess when your going through your clothes, never say never.

I have always had issues wearing shorts anyway. I never really liked my legs. I carry most of my weight in them, so I never felt like it was flattering to show them off. The good thing is, is that I never really got a big stomach and now it is flatter than ever. I love my upper body all the way down to my hips, thighs and legs...the more weight I lose though the better they look. I am a total pear, but I really do like my figure more and more these days. I did not like it that much 20 pounds ago. Things are definitely getting more symmetrical.

The breaking point

I feel it may be time to revisit my reasons for wanting to lose weight and the story that goes along with it. My last straw I guess.

Last March I went to Florida weighing in at 200+. I am not sure what my real weight was, only that I stopped looking after around 206. I barely fit into my last summer clothes and was busting at the seams in them while wearing them on vacation (very uncomfortable). I also couldn't find any clothes that fit me in non-plus size stores (which I refused to go to). That made me feel awful and I was out of shape and doing a lot of walking, that also made me feel awful. I was sore every day, cranky and eating fried chicken and french fries at the restaurants. I was depressed and I was supposed to be having a good time on vacation. I hadn't had a vacation in 10 years before that, I should of been happy.

My bf and I got into a fight about my weight gain and it ruined a day of vacation because I cried so hard I had to spend the next morning in bed. That vacation was my turning point. I needed to do something. I had very low self esteem and felt very emotional about the fat. I would cry if anyone mentioned it. I had gained back 20+ pounds after losing it in weight watchers, again..I gained it back. This was the second time in the last 6 years. Last time I lost weight I lost more than 40 pounds...and I gained it all back.

What made me gain the weight this time?
1) I did not fix the issues that made me eat.
2) I developed a painful cyst on my foot pad under my toe and quit exercising (now fixed thanks to podiatrist and cortisone shot).
3) Met my bf and starting going out to dinner, eating tons of food.
4) And probably a lot of other reasons I don't now about.

I forgive myself for gaining the weight. I just never want to be back in that physical and emotional space again. I feel that when I am that overweight, my quality of life really suffers. I am 20 pounds down this year and going into my vacation feeling much more energy and confidence. My bf is also 20 pounds down. I fit into my clothes again...they are even a bit too big. I am so proud of myself and feel better than ever. I look back at that person last year and I almost don't feel like the same person. That "dark cloud" that was above my head is gone and the sun is over me now...even though it is dark and cloudy outside.

I know it may be strange, but this weight loss feels a lot different than the others. I feel that something inside of me has changed. I am not struggling as much as I did before...even though I still struggle. I think I finally feel that I am worth good health. I care about what shape I am in now. I care about having kids and not passing my bad eating habits onto them. All of this is too much to give up for momentary pleasure of eating large amounts of junk food. I am worth more than that!

Donuts again

Yes I had a donut today. I bought 2, one for my colleague and of course I had to get one for myself. She helped me through an icky project, so I wanted to do something nice. Donuts are good and I had the flexpoints, so I thought why not? I don't feel ill from it, which is good.

I worked out this morning again, I am so proud. It is Friday and I am glad that another week is over and my cruise is coming faster. In some ways I don't want it to be here and then I really want to go like, tommorow. I am thinking that I want a new swimsuit, but I don't want to spend the money on it. I want one of those tankini's, only because it is so much easier to wear something like that and go to the bathroom. I hate having to take off your shirt and all that just to pee. I pee a lot because I drink a ton of water. The tankini I want is almost $100, which is pricey...so I thought maybe I would go look at other stores to see if I can get something cheaper. The more money I save now the more I will have on my cruise. I figure that I should get one I like...since I may be living in it for a week. I guess we shall see. I always think looking for a suit is a bit depressing...but maybe it will be better this time. Also the one I want is online..and that would save me from going to try on some...

I worked out this morning

I am proud of myself for working out this morning. I went to bed early last night, but then woke up in the middle of the night..and couldn't get back to sleep. I ended up getting up and doing 30 minutes on the treadmill and doing my 2 miles. I did my 2 miles again, I haven't lost all my stamina. That is good news because I thought I was slowly getting outta shape again..which is kind of dumb since I never stopped working out, I just stopped pushing myself as much.

I feel that things may be on the upswing in the weight loss arena. At least I hope so. It is hard to power through on dreary, dark, cold days where you want to hibernate and binge eat chocolate.

Oh, I got my haircut yesterday and my stylist told me that she could really tell that I have lost weight. A lot of people are noticing, and I think that helps my motivation to keep going. I know I shouldn't care about what other people think, but it is so great to have people notice your hard work. Finally.

Lost .2

Well I did not gain, I lost .2 pds. At least I lost. I have decided that I want to work out harder this week. I want to get up in the mornings and resume my cardio and do an hour a day. I really am so close to my goals and I would like to be at 180 for the cruise (5 weeks away). I know I need to recommit myself to excercising. I have let that slip the last couple of weeks. Do I sabotage myself? or am I just getting lazy? Sometimes I think "I lost 20 pds., I don't have to work out today" and that is a thought process I don't want to get into.

I hope to do better this week!

Struggles

Well this has been a tough week so far for me. I somehow think the dreary, snowy weather has something to do with it. I have felt crabby and basically unhappy for the last couple of days. I haven't had my usual workout stamina either. The thought of the cruise isn't cheering me up either.

Last night I could hardly walk on the treadmill and felt ill when I tried to push myself. I was dissapointed that I could not do 2 miles in 30 minutes, my usual time (easily). I also have been craving sugar (mostly in the form of candy bars) as well. So I have been eating more sugar and more of the dinners I made this week and not counting the extra points for it. It has shown on the scale. I would not be surprised if I have a gain this week. That makes me more depressed.

I don't feel out of control or anything...just that I want to eat more and have desserts after lunch and dinner. I have fought the lunch thing. I again, think I may be missing the sun and needing to replace it somehow with food and sugar. I just don't know for sure why I am in this funk and it is starting to bother me. I want to loose more weight, but I also don't want to be hard on myself. I think I need to be a bit more strict...but then again, I have come so far and am proud of myself. This is a lifestyle change, not a facist regime.

So all I can do is try harder next week. I know the struggling is always going to wax and wane and at least I am not happy with it and want to improve it. This is a journey, a journey to find health and it might not always go as I want it to. I probably need to go to yoga tonight, I hope it is not packed with people or 100 degrees in there again.

Marvelous Monday

I wish I could say it has been a marvelous Monday, but it hasn't started out to keenly. I somehow left my car keys in my bf's car and he had to drive from work to give them to me. I was an hour late. I needed a latte after that! I usually get a latte every morning, but I have been thinking I need to make my own again to save money for vacation. I really like it when Starbucks makes it for me, even though I have my own espresso machine.

So I tried the 100 calorie packs of candy this weekend. I bought the 3 musketeers and the twix..and guess what? I ate the whole 2 packs this weekend. There are (7) 100 calorie bars in the packs. I guess you can say I had a candy meltdown. I did count points for them, but felt a little sick on Sunday night after eating 4 of them. I don't know why I do that. Something about having that many tiny candy bars got to me. I usually keep the regular size package of dark choc. m&m's and a snickers w/ almonds in the cupboard...and don't feel the need to eat those all right away. I need to go back to that, that works much better. My advice is to probably stay away from those, unless you have good self control. I do not.

I also have been having issues exercising this week. I think because I got sick my momentum was affected. I really wanted to get up this morning and walk/jog on the treadmill, but the bed was cozy and warm..so I didn't. I guess I will do an hour tonight. I don't think and hour is all that fun, it is much better to break it up into half hours. I know I can't be perfect with this stuff all the time, but perhaps the weather has gotten to me a bit. I don't know? I am feeling like I am in a funk today...I hate all this snow and the cold. I hope to feel much better this week than I do now.

Forever Friday

I wish it was Friday everyday. I love the weekends too much...but I do get bored sometimes. Anyway, I did not succumb to donuts yesterday! Well, I walked past them a second time and the only donut I like was not there (long john w/ creme). So that made the decision for me. The downstairs department was also offering cookies and brownies in the afternoon, which they emailed the building about. So I went down to check it out..(and stretch my legs) and had somewhat of a strange experience.

I went to find 5 people huddled in the corner of the small hallway stuffing brownies and cookies in their mouths, they had them in both hands....I am not kidding. They were telling each other "These brownies are good". Once I saw that, I lost any desire for them. As I was walking away, one of the ladies who had two brownies in both of her hands yelled at me "Your looking skinny!" Now that was embarrasing. Not only because of the situation, but the president of the college was walking by at the moment. I like compliments and all, but not yelled out loudly with a full mouth of food in front of people.

That makes me wonder why people do that..even when I was heavier I never would eat more than a portion of food that was offered to people. If I wanted something like that I would buy it myself. Oh well, it isn't a big deal..but it did kind of gross me out a bit.

I am excited because I am only working a half day. I then have a massage and the doggy gets groomed. I love both of those things. The doggies hair always feels so soft afterwards.

Donuts are calling my name..and I already feel guilty

Should I do it? Should I eat it? There are donuts in the hall across from my office. It is 10 a.m. and I am starting to get hungry. I just had a donut on the weekend, so I have been resisting. Why is this so hard to pass up and why am I thinking about it?

Anyway, I have been feeling particularly good for the last 2 days. Does sickness all of a sudden make you feel like your 18 again? My stomach actually feels good too for the first time in a long time. That makes me not want to eat the donut. What if it messes up my perfectly good feeling stomach? This is something I never considered before..usually I would eat it, feel bad and just shrug my shoulders saying "Oh well" to myself.

I bought new shoes yesterday and they are so comfty they make me want to walk more. I splurged and bought some Ecco brand shoes. They were needed because my old shoes were 2 years old, they were worn out. I also was getting some foot soreness from them. I also told myself I bought them for a reward for almost losing 20 pounds. I still felt guilty buying them for some reason...but I have been looking for new shoes since before Christmas and could not find any I liked until yesterday. It is justified, no more feeling guilty. I don't know why I do that to myself. I just need to enjoy it. And if I eat the donut, I need to enjoy that too.

The body does what it wants to do...

I was watching Biggest Loser last night and I remembered the words of Jillian, she said "The body does what it wants to do". I think that is so true. I was sick last week and watched the scale go all kinds of crazy the entire week. I ended up losing only .4 pds this week, even without eating about 10 of my 35 flex points. This is the first week I have not ate them all or made my 24 points a day. The ones I did eat where from Sunday to Tuesday. So strange. I am convinced that my body likes exercise and eating them so much it was in shock when I didn't.

I think being sick was a little bit of a setback for me in my weight loss journey. I would like to be 180 by March, but I won't be too sad if I don't make it. I have come so far already, I am proud of myself. I always keep in mind that this is a lifetime of healthy eating and exercise and I want to just continue to get healthier. The weight loss is great, and I wish I could lose it faster and all that..but I am getting better everyday and not worse...so I can appreciate that.

In watching the Biggest Loser last night I kind of came to a realization that overweight people are really emotional. That was a really emotional episode and kind of hard to watch (thank god for tivo). Maybe this reason is why people get bigger..maybe they have too much emotion and need the padding to protect their fragility. I don't know...I could just be assuming things. I know I don't feel as emotional as I was when I was heavier and things don't seem to bother me as much.

It is a fact for me that it is so easy to get caught up with my weight and to put all my energy and focus on it. I think it should be much more of an afterthought in my life than it is. I will be glad once I have conquered my weight problem and made eating healthy, exercise and weights just a part of my life. I am getting there...and I feel more recovered every day I continue. I have heard that people usually have setbacks once they think they have mastered their weight problem or any other problem for that matter. I expect setbacks, but hope for a nice stable future with some little up and down waves. If you have read "The Art of Happiness" from the Dali Lama, you know what I am talking about.

Sick with flu :(

I haven't written for a while because I was sick with a horrible flu. I did get a flu shot, but I don't think that stopped this horrible thing from migrating inside my body. Anyway, I am better now...and feel like a whole new person. Isn't that weird how when you get over an illness you feel incredible? I don't know if everyone feels like that, but I do.

I stopped exercising (of course) last week. I did do some weights last night. I decided I am going to ease back into exercising. I plan to do yoga tonight with my new mat I got for Christmas. I haven't done yoga for a while, but I think it is a good "ease back" into exercises thing to do. I don't want to go full force back into it and get burned out. Plus I want to make sure I really am better.

I wasn't really eating much when I was sick. Chicken soup and saltines with jello was a good meal for me. On Saturday, I was feeling better and the appetite returned. I pretty much ate anything I had at the house. I did not go out for food though, even thought I really wanted to. I wanted an entire pizza or steak n' shake. I did treat myself with a chocolate eclair donut at the grocery store with a latte though. It was yummy.

Last night I made lean cheeseburgers and potato fries to help with my food cravings. It really did help. I also had lf chocolate milk. That was so satisfying to have something like that after my sicky time. I knew when my appetite returned it would be crazy, but it wasn't as crazy as I thought. Apart from wanting pizza or burgers I did crave some sweets, but the donut helped with that.

I just read an interesting article on WebMd about "diet shockers" or foods that help you stick with eating well. You should all read it.

1.6 pds

I lost 1.6 pounds this week and a half inch off my hips. This is good, but for the last two days I have had some stomach issues (see my last post). I am feeling better today, but am still off a bit. I am very optimistic that I can get to 180 before my cruise in March. I would love to be at 175, but I am doing my best and don't want to mess myself up trying to loose faster. I have done that many times in the past. When you cut down your food by too much, you end up having a binge. I think your body goes into shock or something, at least mine does.

I have been trying to sleep more for the last couple of days to get my stomach working like normal again and I have had the most bazaar dreams. I keep having dreams of wearing a bikini or that I am so fit and thin everyone keeps commenting on it. So weird, I wonder why I am having these dreams?

Anyway, if any of you watched the "Biggest Loser" last night I thought it was a good moment when the brown team was watching the collage of themselves and the food and felt disgusted that they were talking so gleefully about the junk food they eat. I often feel like that now myself. Why did I like it so much? Why was it such a pleasurable experience to stuff myself? I guess I feel differently about food at the moment. I feel eating like that and gaining weight just isn't worth it anymore. Have I changed for the better? I guess we will see. I really think I have, but you never know if your food addictions will return when life throws you a curve ball.

Stomach

So last night I made chili and then ate a Newman's choc. peanut butter cup candy bar. I don't know which one it was but it really set my stomach off. Newman's chocolate is organic and I don't believe they put any type of preservatives in them. This leads me to believe that there really isn't much quality control of them in the aisle of Meijer where they sell them. I have opened them before to find them shrivelled up or mashed or hard..but I have never really gotten this bad of a stomach ache from them before. My bf ate the chili also and was fine. So I really think it was the candy. I still have a tummy problem today from it. So again, I have to take that off my list for eating.

I am finding that any new things that I introduce to my body often hurt my stomach. Why is that? When I eat the standard things I eat on most days I am fine, but what about variety? What about eating for some pleasure? Is this always going to happen? I am starting to develop fear of eating certain things because I wonder what it is going to do to my stomach. Some times my stomach takes it fine, but other times it doesn't, and not knowing when is starting to really bother me.

I have to say my stomach always hurt when I used to eat junk too, but only if I really overdid it. If I would overdo it on french fries and dessert it would be sore and bloated. So is there just something wrong with my stomach, or is it my diet? I think I am going to have to do a search on google about this..it is really perplexing me.

Old pants are getting too big

I am a little shocked that I went to put on a pair of pants this morning and they were too big for me. We are currently having a break in the winter weather so I could wear pants that were lighter. To my surprise they looked big and baggy and unflattering. I cannot wear them!

So I went and tried on some of my pants from my last big weight loss and they fit! I am wearing them right now. I am so proud of myself! That is a huge goal of mine. I worked at j.crew in my mid 20's when I lost my 40 pounds and got a new wardrobe...then I gained the weight back and could not wear any of them, but kept them around because they are still stylish. So I can wear one pair so far..I need to try the rest on (I know you are probably thinking why I would want to wear pants that are about 7 years old, but they still carry the same ones I have at the store).

Also, my refrigerator is fixed. My bf is so smart he fixed it with the help of his moms boyfriend. We went to the store and got food, so I didn't have to suffer with eating out long. Isn't that weird...I really don't want to eat out. I guess after that horrible BW3 meal that was enough to turn me off to it.

The fridge is officially broken and all food is gone

Well, we lost all our food in the fridge last night. It officially broke. We are looking for a part for it to try to save it's life....the fridge was purchased in 2003...what kind of a fridge is that? I thought they lasted for 20 years or something. Anyway, I went grocery shopping this morning for food to eat for today. I did get my cereal, we have a fridge at work. I spent $15 in total for food for today. I think that is a lot. I bought a small milk, a small oj, water, kashi meal, fruit, latte and a luna bar. That is it for $15? This sucks!

So besides money, I ate at BW3 last night (we had a gift card). The food is not good there, I had boneless wings and a dry chicken sandwich with stale bread. I ate a lot of my extra flexpoints on food I didn't even like. So this week is going to be a challenge for weight loss, that is for sure. We are going bowling tonight with family and eating out again...so I am going to try to do well.

I feel a little sabotaged by the fridge going out. Just when you think you have things under control, this stuff happens. That is life...and I will just keep trying. If I gain or lose I'm going to just have to live with the fact that I have no fridge this week. I also think I may be getting a cold. So not the greatest day for me. I am gonna try to cheer up...and maybe bowling will do it for me.

Cold weather, warm food

Well, it is freezing outside...but my refrigerator is nice and warm. Yeah, the fridge went on the fritz last night and I woke up to warm orange juice and milk. I am not sure if it is going to cool back down or not yet? I was dissapointed because I could not have my high fiber cereal I usually eat. I had to have one of the bf's breakfast sandwiches instead because it was in the freezer and slightly colder than the fridge. Anyway, I feel off and I think it is because...I am missing my fiber! or the sandwich was bad.

Protein is good and all and I do get that in my Kashi Go Lean, but that sandwich had no fiber. I also could not bring my high fiber leftovers for lunch today. I bought a lean cusine at the grocery store this morning. I really do not care for those, but it is too cold to go out to lunch during the day. So I am bummed out today. I also just spent $140 at the grocery store and everything is bad. Double bummed. I am trying to cheer up but it is hard.

Money can be very depressing. I still have not sold my house and the bf and I are broke all the time. We are trying to get it together for our vacation, but things keep happening that backtrack us. I am suppossed to be excited about my vacation, not dreading it because I have no money. Arghhh!

I have to keep in mind that things eventually work out in the long run. We might have to wait to get more groceries stacked in our fridge, but we will get back to normal again. I just hope the fridge isn't broken. I also hate reading all those articles about recession...those are super depressing. The good news is that these things don't make me want to pig out on food. I know I have to solve my problems, not just try to stuff my face to forget. So I apologize for venting, but felt the need. That is what blogs are for.

Fitness is not a destination, it's a journey

This quote is the quote from the back of the Baked Lays bag. I was eating out of the bag (yeah, I know not to do this!) yesterday and read it. Even though it is on a chip bag, I found it inspirational. I think it is a good thing to keep in mind when you get discouraged about weight loss and the goals you set for yourself.

I have been at 189/190 for the last month and it has been a bit discouraging, but I know this is a journey to better fitness and health and is not about what weight I am at. I am getting better everyday. I heard some trainer say before..you are either getting better or getting worse. I am getting better, and that is all that matters. I am back to 189.2 this week and hope to continue into the 80's. Christmas was a nice break from routine, but I still need to make being healthy my goal.

I wanted to loose weight and get to my goal weight before my cruise that is about 8 to 9 weeks away. I no longer care about getting to goal, but just continuing to get healthy. I feel good even at 189 or 190, but losing more would be great! If I get to 180 or 185 before the cruise I am fine with that. I will have fun either way!