The Darkness

I kind of came to the realization today that I will probably always struggle with my healthy lifestyle changes. Um, duh. Anyway, I really hope to get to a place where things don't bother me so much...like my weight fluctuations, lack of exercise, etc. Somehow I don't think it is that enjoyable to be this preoccupied...but perhaps that is what is needed to keep yourself from slipping?

I hate to blame something else for extra calories, but I do think the fact that it is colder and that there is less light, that I am craving sugar a bit more. Doesn't sunlight help you make serotonin? When there is less of it, isn't it natural to try to get it somewhere else? Anyway, I think the body adjusts after a while to the changes and you can handle it better. At least that is my theory right now...not that I researched any of this. It is raining right now and I wish I had a hot beverage to warm me up...here come the extra lattes/hot chocolate weather. The smoothies are getting harder to incorporate because they make me so cold...but somehow ice cream isn't as bad :). Oh well, until tomorrow.

Getting back on the treadmill

I had some temporary insanity on Friday and a start of a cold, so I took the day off from work. I have just been feeling overwhelmed lately. I had another long talk with the bf to help sort out my thoughts and I feel much more sane now. I have a problem with wanting to make changes fast and not thinking about it and taking baby steps. I do that with my weight also..although I am much better now than ever. I just get down when I don't see something change immediately. I guess I am into immediate gratification much more than I would like to admit. I have gotten back on the treadmill and have decided to take things slowly once again and to be less hard on myself if I mess up. I am bound to mess up on my lifestyle of healthfulness. It is another job to keep your health a priority. It is super easy to just get lazy and not do the work....too easy.

I ordered a new fitness dvd to help me get more motivated and alternate workouts on the treadmill. I just keep trying with my diet also.

Mental health

I feel much better today after having a long talk with the bf about my stressors. Sometimes you just need to talk about what is bothering you....but sometimes it takes a while to learn what is bothering you. I usually have no clue until I spew out words in a big jumbled, venting mess. Anyway, I am hoping I can start to get back on track. I always need to remind myself that feeling bad doesn't stick around for long...I know I am going to feel better eventually. I have a strange cycle of feeling good, then feeling bad, then feeling tired, then feeling rested. Perhaps everyone gets like that..but I take it a little far into grumpster land, sometimes.

The weather has been excellent this week and I took some mental health time yesterday afternoon...it did me a world of good. I think I may take off tomorrow also. I think I need a bit of a break from work life.

Up and down and around

I am up 2 pounds this week. I am not sure if I was trying to sabotage myself this week or if I was just frustrated and stressed. I have had some stress going on and on Monday and Tuesday night I gave myself huge portions of food at dinner time. I also finished off the box of teddy grahams. I do not think I should allow myself to buy those anymore, they are too addictive. I needed to go with my first thought when at the grocery store, a mini box of animal crackers. Oh well, it is all a learning experience and I guess I cannot be responsible with certain foods in the house. That is just the reality of it. I have a hard time not eating a lot of crunchy, sweet foods and add any sweet thing to that..pretty much.

I have to say that I am mad at myself, but I am trying to get over it. I haven't been doing the treadmill much lately and have been taking the dog to the dog park instead. It is so much more fun. I wish I could say that the dog park was really great exercise..but it doesn't burn as many calories as the treadmill does. I told myself..at least I am getting some exercise..but it isn't going to help me get to my goal. The thought of getting on the treadmill the last couple of days actually sounded like hell to me..I don't know why. My motivation is waning. I want to take a break but I am also quite scared of gaining. I go in and out of this anxiety..I don't know why? I need to get over all this and just do what I need to do. I know that exercise will help my stress level. I know yoga will make me feel great. I just have to do it. Wish me luck.

Grumpy water

So I find it strange how fast I can get used to drinking larger quantities of water. I used to drink a liter bottle and I switched to a liter and a half. I think it is awesome that I have been able to find this big of bottled water bottles! I buy them at a local grocery store that has a Starbucks and when I lug the big bottle up to the counter to pay for it with my latte the barista always says "that is a huge bottle of water." They always then ask me "do you drink that", and of course I do without any problem. I guess most people don't drink a lot of water in a day. I find that if I don't I get a lot more sleepy and don't feel as good. I shoot for 2 liters a day. I try to get another half liter in the morning and evening. I have to say since I switched to the liter and a half that I feel better. I just have to pee a lot more.

Anyway, I am not in the best of moods today so I tried to write about water in an effort to not write about my bad mood..but then I ended up writing about it anyway. I hope to shake myself out of this soon. I am a bit grumpy.

Sunday donut

I really don't know why I always feel the need to eat extra stuff on Sundays. I once again ate all my flex points on Saturday and didn't leave extra for Sunday. This is not good. My theory is that I didn't brush my teeth until later in the day...a bad habit I do on Sundays. This may be what is leading me to eat crap. Ever notice when you don't brush your teeth first thing in the morning how you want to eat stuff that makes your mouth taste better? I may be alone in this...but I needed a donut and teddy grahams on Sunday. I actually have never had teddy grahams before, but they are not bad. I had the chocolaty chip ones..they are like mini chocolate chip cookies. I just had a few after the donut with my latte, but could of skipped the donut because I liked them better. My craving originally was for animal crackers..but I added on.

I didn't go over too much yesterday, but was really not hungry for dinner..so I just had one fajita instead of two. Nutritionally my day would of been better without the donut. I kind of wish I didn't eat it because it is good for the couple of bites..but it does not fill you up and it isn't that good for the calories. So I have to remind myself of that next time I want a donut. It just looked so good in the case with the sprinkles.

Dentist

I went to the dentist yesterday for a cleaning and they discovered a cavity. Anyway, they were able to schedule me for the filling at 4 p.m. yesterday...so I went ahead and got the filling. This is a new dentist for me and I have not gotten a filling with them before. The filling was on the bottom so I was numbed and it was painless to get the cavity filled..but I was numb for 6 hours! They told me it would take 3 hours..but I think they lied. I did not eat dinner until 7, and then I could not taste it or chew it at all. They went a little overboard I think with the numbing. I guess the only good thing that came of it is that I did not dip into my extra points for the week at all yesterday. I guess I would rather enjoy eating then eat because my stomach is growling. I can't imagine ever wanting to eat if you had no taste buds. Something I have noticed is that I used to swallow my food pretty much without chewing it when I had more of a weight problem..now I savor every bite (and digest it better). Anyway, I am hungry again right now....guess it is time for some water.

Crazy HFCS

The bf pointed out some commercials to me the other day on High Fructose Corn Syrup, and I have to say I laughed out loud about them. In one of the spots they have a thinner than average woman giving her husband a Popsicle (like a drug pusher, jk). He asks her "are you trying to kill me"? So anyway, it turns out the Corn Association is doing an ad campaign for HFCS because they think it is getting a bad wrap. After I got the idea to post an article on this, I saw some stuff about it on Fit Sugar. The article talks about all kind of things and links to the ads. Anyway, I have always tried to stay away from it...but it is hard to. It seems to be in a lot of products. Bottom line is, it is not good for you...and most people probably eat it already in moderation....so why do they need to do an ad campaign about it? I really don't know, because America needs to eat better period and doing this ad does not do anything to help the obesity epidemic in America. We need to eat more nutritious foods. Now where are the ads for the Fruit & Veg. Association?

Patience

Down 1.2, but still no 179 on a weigh-in day. I have to say it sucks. 180 has been the toughest weight to get past ever. I am hoping next week, but I am also hoping for more patience with myself and my body. I think my body just doesn't want to let go. I am not going to let this get me down because really there is just not anything I can do about it now. I just have to continue to go in the right direction and work towards my goals of getting healthier. I know I can do anything I set my mind too, I just need patience.

Fall is here

It is a sunny day, finally. A little chilly though. I am doing quite well with my eating the last couple of days (and hopefully today). I am hoping my weigh-in tomorrow goes well. I don't think I will have a gain because I have been seeing some lower numbers on the scale recently. Today I saw 179 again, which is good for a Monday..but you just never know. I am feeling much better and not having the crazy cravings I was having last week. It is so strange how wanting to eat waxes and wanes. I am glad it wanes...otherwise I would be in trouble. I also learned that if I sleep a lot and drink a lot of water...my body really responds to it. Although, I probably have been sleeping to much lately because I have been getting headaches that just come on. Not sure what they are about, but I am hoping they go away soon. I don't feel the least bit tired at the moment..which is a nice thing. I usually always feel somewhat tired, especially after lunch.

I hope to get in a good walk or dog park after I make dinner tonight with the doggy. She is long overdue (with all this rain) for some doggy time. I think I might play spore also and watch some tv. Fall is definitely here, but the chilly weather makes me want to just curl up with a blanket in front of the tv..and not do anything else. I must do things...and not give in to temptation.

Blog postings

My head has been spinning today. I can't seem to really get focus. I have read so many good posts on blogs today, so it is hard to write my own. Anyway, Leslie at "The Weighting Game" posted something interesting. It was a letter from one of her readers who used to do a food blog, commenting on food blogs. It was a very good point about blogging about your food intake. I would never want to do that because it would feel like a bit of an invasion of my privacy. I guess it is super nice to share food tips, but sharing what you eat all day could be a horrendous experience, especially for someone like me. I wouldn't want to obsess about things and look like a pig in presenting myself. I think people should eat what they want and just try to make it healthy or healthier.

Wow, the sun just came out...after 4 days of solid rain. I may be able to give the doggie a little walk...or not. I am going to try to go to yoga tonight. I really need a good stretch. I just ate lunch and totally burned my lean cuisine...I hate that. I feel so jipped. I ate it anyway...but it wasn't all that good.

I want this to be more fun...

I have to say I have been moderating comments lately, only because I got advertisements on some and I am anti-advertisements...especially for crap diet products. Anyway, did you know that Smart Water has 50.7 oz bottles? I bought one today and already drank it. I like it. It is nice having a big water bottle. I try to drink 2 liters a day and this is 1.5 liters.

Anyway, last night I was getting a little down on myself for my weight loss efforts. The bf was bragging that he is a healthy BMI and nothing says he is fat. Anyway, that is not the case for me...and I want to be able to brag something like that to..but unfortunately I can't. I don't know mentally what is stopping me. I know what I need to do to get more weight off, but I just don't do it. I guess knowing that you have to do something is just not enough. I think I need more motivation. I am going to try to just be more "active", even if that means doing more low impact activities. I think on my treadmill-free days that I should take my dog to the park or for a walk around the block. I plan on doing this tonight when I get home..or I could just work out in the mornings again. I hope I can start doing that also. I have been just too tired to workout at night lately and I have to force myself. Forcing myself is just not fun..and makes me hate the whole act of exercising. I need to find some solutions.

Just excercise more

Okay, I know I write this blog everyday for myself and for the reason that it is a good time waster for me during the day...but I did think that I didn't want to report my weight gain (but of course I am). I am blaming this all on TOM that happened today just because I can. I am a little disappointed that I am back up to 182, but I also know I did not eat more than 3,400 calories extra this week..so it can't be real. Why is this so much harder this time around?

I did restrict my calories for the weeks I got to 180 and I did feel a shift in my hunger and cravings this week. They were much stronger cues. All the articles I have read said to not restrict eating and just excercise more. I wish! I think some could be the weather and some of it could be that I exercised 5 days this week..when I was maybe doing 3 or 4 for the last couple of weeks. Or I just ate way too much and miscalculated the calories.

I am not upset with myself I just feel like I may not conquer the 180's anytime soon. It is a set back when I wanted to see 179 on a weigh-in day so bad. But I am happy with what I have lost and that I continue to keep that off. So I go back and forth from not caring to feeling like it is impossible to get to my goals.

Crazy mind fight

I fought the thought to eat chocolate chip cookies that are still lurking around the house last night. I should of threw them away, but I am saving them for Wednesday to have one with my morning latte and to eat otherwise. If I have the points for them I want to eat them. I know I am crazy with sweets. I just can't make myself throw them away....even though I don't care about the money for them or being wasteful. I do want to conquer my need to eat all of a sweet I bring into the house. I did this pretty successfully with the candy bars I used to buy. But I decided I didn't need to eat one of those every night. Doing that did serve its purpose for me...it really did. It got me out of that "I can't eat that" thinking. Sometimes I think these tests I do are actually helping me overcome binging. Or maybe that is an excuse..but I used to eat the whole dozen at once when I bought them before. So I think I get some points for only eating half of the package in a couple of days.

But seriously...I really need to get back on track for next week. I have been kind of crazy lately with eating pizza and cookies. But I think everyone needs a break sometimes. It can start to feel depriving when you don't ever eat anything out. I think these breaks can sometimes help you get motivated again...and life is too short to not indulge here and there. It just doesn't really help me loose weight. I need to choose between losing or just maintaining. This is a crazy mind fight.

Chocolate chip cookies

I have been struggling this week. I did not feel good on Friday and was super tired so I took a sick day from work. I hardly remember Friday, it was just a sleepy haze to me. Anyway, I have had the biggest chocolate chip cookie craving ever! It started out fairly simple and then became a huge obsession. On Thursday afternoon I went during the afternoon at work to get a giant cookie from a local bakery. I ate that, but it didn't quite hit the craving. It wasn't soft and chocolaty enough.

Anyway, I thought I was fine for the rest of the weekend and we ordered pizza (bf's suggestion) on Saturday..which took the rest of my extra points for the week. We then ran out of trash bags so I had to run to the store to get some. That ended up not being the best idea. I went to the bakery section and looked to see if they had samples of cookies (sometimes they do) and was confronted with the giant, soft, chewy, yummy bakery cookies in a dozen pack. I just had to buy them, I had no defenses. I went and got a Starbucks latte and then proceeded to get into my car and grab a cookie while sipping my latte. That was so great. I don't know why but it was so satisfying.

I thought I would be okay with the package, I really did. I thought I will just eat one here and there, until Sunday evening hit. I forgot about them in the morning, but then after dinner I made a smoothie and it just didn't sit well with me. Then I remembered the cookies and went for it. I ended up eating 4. I felt a bit sick, but they were so good. I really hope this craving is over soon and I am sure it will effect my weight loss for this week. Oh well, right? Not a huge deal..just thought I was over the whole binging on sweets thing. Just when you think you have kicked the habit right?

Laziness is contagious to myself

I had a hard time sleeping last night and kept waking up. I suspect that my lack of exercise this week has contributed to my crappy sleeping. When I work out regularly I don't have any problems sleeping. I was of course going to get up and work out this morning...but not sleeping made it impossible to get up. I wish I was more of a morning person...and what happened before that made me get up? I really miss those days of motivation to work out in the morning. And it didn't help that my yoga place was closed for a week and a half.

I did take my doggy to the dog park yesterday and she had so much fun playing in the little doggy lake. She went crazy like she has never been there before. I have to say I haven't been taking her as much as I did before. What is the deal with all this laziness? I am not sure how I became like this...but a lot of it slipped when I strained my calf muscles working out. I took a break and my exercising just started being more sporadic. How do I get motivated again? I don't know if there is a secret way to get myself more motivated...hmm...maybe winter and it's coldness will help out with that. I hope.

A little snacky this week

I am up about .4 this week. Labor day was a bit snacky and I didn't exercise as much as I wanted to. I was tired from Monday, yesterday so I went to bed early and now feel fabulously well-rested. I was not upset about seeing 180.8 on the scale because I was 182 for so long. I am just working on it...and I know I will see 179 eventually. I want to work out more next week, but I can cut myself a little slack because TOM is next week and who knows how I will feel. Sometimes it is fine other times it sucks.

The bf and I are planning our March vacation this week (I can't believe how fast the time goes). We are going to Las Vegas, but are having a hard time finding a nice hotel that isn't outrageously over-priced for the week. I really am in shock about how much it costs to go there..the cruise was way less. I am not a gambler, but I want to go just to experience it and go to the shows.

It is a very cloudy humid day here. It was 93 yesterday and is supposed to get into the 90's today also. It will be cold soon, but yesterday was like living in a desert...for my thick Michigan skin.

Ice cream on the brain

I had a great weekend, but it was way too short. Anyway, we had a cookout at our house yesterday. I did not overeat for lunch..but we ate at 2 p.m, which is late for me. I then did not have dinner because we were playing Rockband and after everyone left I was so hungry and in the munchie moood, so I made some popcorn and then had some Jello and a Kashi TLC bar..I was stuffed after that. I was not even hungry for breakfast this morning. I really hope this late night eating didn't effect my weight too much this week, but if so I will just hope for better numbers next week.

I have to say my motivation this week has waned. I had some major ice cream cravings and had some ice cream 4 times this week. I think I may be better now, but I think the weather changing and the fact that the ice cream shops will be closed soon are making me have that "get it while you can" idea. Except for the expense, I love getting ice cream out because I don't have to have it in the house. And you get variety.