Back at work

It is almost February and that means at the end of February is the cruise. Yeah! It has been so cold and dreary out I cannot wait to have sun and warmth on my face. I get really excited then have to calm myself down because it is still a month away. I am getting up in the mornings again and working out. On Thursday and Friday it is important for me to get up early because in the evening it is hang out with the bf nights. I have to work out 5 or 6 days a week to keep losing weight, while he gets away with 1 time a week and still manages to lose as much weight as I do. A little sad, but true...muscle, wish I had more of it.

I had the day off yesterday and pretty much ate all day. I went over 11 flexpoints and that is with working out. I ate and slept. I feel great today and I think sometimes you need a day like that. I thought I would be bored, but I really found it to be relaxing and enjoyable. If you haven't taken a day like that in a while, I strongly suggest you do. I think it recharges you and your motivation. I like snow days, and my dog was happy about it too.

Lost 1.8 pds today and got a free day off

The weather was pretty bad I guess because the college I work at is closed for the day. The good news is that I lost 1.8 pounds this week by pushing myself a little more on the treadmill. Short post today.

Back on track?

Well I am feeling like I am getting a better handle on weight loss this week. I have been eating a lot more veggies and exercising in the mornings again. I feel confident that I will lose a pound this week. That is a good feeling, to know that you are not just wishing you lose weight or hoping you won't gain. I have to say that the cruise has been a big motivator and that I ordered the swim suit I wanted from the Internet and I want it to look good on me. I will just be crossing my fingers on that one...if not I will send it back.

I am a little upset with myself that I gave all my shorts to Goodwill. I was cleaning out my house because it's for sale..and just wanted to get rid of stuff. I looked at my shorts and thought...I haven't worn these for so long...I don't think I ever will...so I will get rid of them. The sad thing is, is that they would fit me now..and I really liked them. I could of worn them on the cruise. I guess when your going through your clothes, never say never.

I have always had issues wearing shorts anyway. I never really liked my legs. I carry most of my weight in them, so I never felt like it was flattering to show them off. The good thing is, is that I never really got a big stomach and now it is flatter than ever. I love my upper body all the way down to my hips, thighs and legs...the more weight I lose though the better they look. I am a total pear, but I really do like my figure more and more these days. I did not like it that much 20 pounds ago. Things are definitely getting more symmetrical.

The breaking point

I feel it may be time to revisit my reasons for wanting to lose weight and the story that goes along with it. My last straw I guess.

Last March I went to Florida weighing in at 200+. I am not sure what my real weight was, only that I stopped looking after around 206. I barely fit into my last summer clothes and was busting at the seams in them while wearing them on vacation (very uncomfortable). I also couldn't find any clothes that fit me in non-plus size stores (which I refused to go to). That made me feel awful and I was out of shape and doing a lot of walking, that also made me feel awful. I was sore every day, cranky and eating fried chicken and french fries at the restaurants. I was depressed and I was supposed to be having a good time on vacation. I hadn't had a vacation in 10 years before that, I should of been happy.

My bf and I got into a fight about my weight gain and it ruined a day of vacation because I cried so hard I had to spend the next morning in bed. That vacation was my turning point. I needed to do something. I had very low self esteem and felt very emotional about the fat. I would cry if anyone mentioned it. I had gained back 20+ pounds after losing it in weight watchers, again..I gained it back. This was the second time in the last 6 years. Last time I lost weight I lost more than 40 pounds...and I gained it all back.

What made me gain the weight this time?
1) I did not fix the issues that made me eat.
2) I developed a painful cyst on my foot pad under my toe and quit exercising (now fixed thanks to podiatrist and cortisone shot).
3) Met my bf and starting going out to dinner, eating tons of food.
4) And probably a lot of other reasons I don't now about.

I forgive myself for gaining the weight. I just never want to be back in that physical and emotional space again. I feel that when I am that overweight, my quality of life really suffers. I am 20 pounds down this year and going into my vacation feeling much more energy and confidence. My bf is also 20 pounds down. I fit into my clothes again...they are even a bit too big. I am so proud of myself and feel better than ever. I look back at that person last year and I almost don't feel like the same person. That "dark cloud" that was above my head is gone and the sun is over me now...even though it is dark and cloudy outside.

I know it may be strange, but this weight loss feels a lot different than the others. I feel that something inside of me has changed. I am not struggling as much as I did before...even though I still struggle. I think I finally feel that I am worth good health. I care about what shape I am in now. I care about having kids and not passing my bad eating habits onto them. All of this is too much to give up for momentary pleasure of eating large amounts of junk food. I am worth more than that!

Donuts again

Yes I had a donut today. I bought 2, one for my colleague and of course I had to get one for myself. She helped me through an icky project, so I wanted to do something nice. Donuts are good and I had the flexpoints, so I thought why not? I don't feel ill from it, which is good.

I worked out this morning again, I am so proud. It is Friday and I am glad that another week is over and my cruise is coming faster. In some ways I don't want it to be here and then I really want to go like, tommorow. I am thinking that I want a new swimsuit, but I don't want to spend the money on it. I want one of those tankini's, only because it is so much easier to wear something like that and go to the bathroom. I hate having to take off your shirt and all that just to pee. I pee a lot because I drink a ton of water. The tankini I want is almost $100, which is pricey...so I thought maybe I would go look at other stores to see if I can get something cheaper. The more money I save now the more I will have on my cruise. I figure that I should get one I like...since I may be living in it for a week. I guess we shall see. I always think looking for a suit is a bit depressing...but maybe it will be better this time. Also the one I want is online..and that would save me from going to try on some...

I worked out this morning

I am proud of myself for working out this morning. I went to bed early last night, but then woke up in the middle of the night..and couldn't get back to sleep. I ended up getting up and doing 30 minutes on the treadmill and doing my 2 miles. I did my 2 miles again, I haven't lost all my stamina. That is good news because I thought I was slowly getting outta shape again..which is kind of dumb since I never stopped working out, I just stopped pushing myself as much.

I feel that things may be on the upswing in the weight loss arena. At least I hope so. It is hard to power through on dreary, dark, cold days where you want to hibernate and binge eat chocolate.

Oh, I got my haircut yesterday and my stylist told me that she could really tell that I have lost weight. A lot of people are noticing, and I think that helps my motivation to keep going. I know I shouldn't care about what other people think, but it is so great to have people notice your hard work. Finally.

Lost .2

Well I did not gain, I lost .2 pds. At least I lost. I have decided that I want to work out harder this week. I want to get up in the mornings and resume my cardio and do an hour a day. I really am so close to my goals and I would like to be at 180 for the cruise (5 weeks away). I know I need to recommit myself to excercising. I have let that slip the last couple of weeks. Do I sabotage myself? or am I just getting lazy? Sometimes I think "I lost 20 pds., I don't have to work out today" and that is a thought process I don't want to get into.

I hope to do better this week!