Monday, January 28, 2008

The breaking point

I feel it may be time to revisit my reasons for wanting to lose weight and the story that goes along with it. My last straw I guess.

Last March I went to Florida weighing in at 200+. I am not sure what my real weight was, only that I stopped looking after around 206. I barely fit into my last summer clothes and was busting at the seams in them while wearing them on vacation (very uncomfortable). I also couldn't find any clothes that fit me in non-plus size stores (which I refused to go to). That made me feel awful and I was out of shape and doing a lot of walking, that also made me feel awful. I was sore every day, cranky and eating fried chicken and french fries at the restaurants. I was depressed and I was supposed to be having a good time on vacation. I hadn't had a vacation in 10 years before that, I should of been happy.

My bf and I got into a fight about my weight gain and it ruined a day of vacation because I cried so hard I had to spend the next morning in bed. That vacation was my turning point. I needed to do something. I had very low self esteem and felt very emotional about the fat. I would cry if anyone mentioned it. I had gained back 20+ pounds after losing it in weight watchers, again..I gained it back. This was the second time in the last 6 years. Last time I lost weight I lost more than 40 pounds...and I gained it all back.

What made me gain the weight this time?
1) I did not fix the issues that made me eat.
2) I developed a painful cyst on my foot pad under my toe and quit exercising (now fixed thanks to podiatrist and cortisone shot).
3) Met my bf and starting going out to dinner, eating tons of food.
4) And probably a lot of other reasons I don't now about.

I forgive myself for gaining the weight. I just never want to be back in that physical and emotional space again. I feel that when I am that overweight, my quality of life really suffers. I am 20 pounds down this year and going into my vacation feeling much more energy and confidence. My bf is also 20 pounds down. I fit into my clothes again...they are even a bit too big. I am so proud of myself and feel better than ever. I look back at that person last year and I almost don't feel like the same person. That "dark cloud" that was above my head is gone and the sun is over me now...even though it is dark and cloudy outside.

I know it may be strange, but this weight loss feels a lot different than the others. I feel that something inside of me has changed. I am not struggling as much as I did before...even though I still struggle. I think I finally feel that I am worth good health. I care about what shape I am in now. I care about having kids and not passing my bad eating habits onto them. All of this is too much to give up for momentary pleasure of eating large amounts of junk food. I am worth more than that!

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