Monday, April 28, 2008

I was offered a lunch out and I didn't take it

So the bf and I were seeing a movie on Saturday and he offered to take me out to lunch and I turned him down. Why? Well, I like eating at home and my stomach is always much better off as well. The pocket book doesn't suffer either. Truth is..I don't like or even think about eating a meal out. I like what we cook and look forward to that. We have also learned how to make all my favorite meals low fat.

I cannot really believe that I have gotten to this point. When I met the bf, all I wanted to do was go out to lunch and dinner and eat huge portions of fatty meals and desserts. This is as shocking to me as it is to anyone.

I am still on "so called" maintenance this week and the next and since I am somehow going down in the scale, will probably continue to do what I am doing. I probably will not go back to the 24 points thing unless I gain more than 5 pounds. 26 to 28 points work a lot better for me. I feel like I am cutting my calories way to low on 24 points and end up eating more anyway. It is after all a target.

My old WW leader told me that 1 point is around 50 calories. If you do the math..24 X 50 = 1200 calories. 26 X 50 = 1300 calories. Not much difference, and for the most part I need about 2500 calories a day to maintain my weight. In theory, I should be eating 26 to 28 points. Nutritionists tell you if you want to loose to try to eat 1500 calories a day. No wonder I went crazy on 24 body was starving on that. I try not to torture myself to loose weight. It isn't worth it.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Getting over the hump

I have got to get to exercising..I just took 2 days off in a row. I don't like to take 2 days next to each other, I think it makes it harder for me to get back into it. When life is stressful and busy it is hard to fit in what you need to do. I am always guilty for putting exercise on the back burner during times of stress.

I told one of my co-workers that I was taking a break from trying to loose weight because of stress and chaos..and she said.."that is okay, but don't quit exercising".

I also haven't had time to read much of my "Set Point" book. I am working on it. I can't wait for my life to get back to normal. I know that life can become mundane and repetitive when nothing is going on, but I have to say I like that and look forward to getting back to that.

Yesterday I was stressed and running errands and ended up getting frozen yogurt and jelly beans at the store. I am thinking the stress is causing sugar cravings...and I have the worst headache today from eating all that sugar. I did get small servings of both...and had the flexpoints...but still....that is a lot to eat one after each other. I just want to do better today.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Week 2: Lost 1 pound

I am on week 2 of my month of maintenance and I lost 1 pound. Trying to stabilize weight is much harder than I thought. I would rather have it go down and not up though. I am a bit surprised because of my stress levels that I lost a pound, but it is good. I feel much better and not so anxious about my weight. I also got my book in the mail, but haven't really had a chance to read it with all the house stuff going on. I will give a full review once I finish it.

My goals for this week are just to try to continue to maintain and to keep up my exercising. I don't want to exercise when I am stressed, but it is exactly what I need when I am it is very important. I am very distracted so I haven't had much time to think of any neurosis about my weight today.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Doggy park

Wow, the weekend went fast. I can actually say I feel a lot less stressed today then I have been feeling. I did really well with my eating and exercising this weekend and I joined a dog park with my dog. She is happy to "run free" in the park. This also gives me a chance to do something else in the summer besides watch tv. The best part is that the dog park is just around the corner from our house.

I know a lot of people get a dog in hopes of getting more exercise themselves, but since I got the treadmill...I left out the doggy walks. I have only walked her once since last summer. I felt bad, she needs exercise too. We all do. So this is another activity that hopefully will get me off the couch. I needed at least a Monday night activity.

I also got up and exercised this morning. I may have to go to a meeting tonight, but that leaves tonight for doggy park if I don't. Working out in the mornings is good. I hope I can continue to do that because that leaves more evenings free for doggy to get exercise and me to enjoy the weather.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Lifestyle changing roadblocks

I have to admit that my lifestyle changing roadblocks lately are stress related. I am going through a stressful time right now. I am stressed a bit from the possibility of my house being sold. The stress is that I have to pay to get rid of it. The amount is pretty high and this bums me out. I put a lot of love and money into the house to fix it up. I am sad that I am selling it. I know I need to move on, but that house was a major part of my life for a long time. It is like saying goodbye to an old friend.

So I wanted to remind myself and any reading that it is okay to take a break when your life is chaotic. There are never perfect circumstances for losing weight, but there are times when you emotionally cannot give it your all. So not only was the book I mentioned in my last 2 posts of interest to me...but taking a break was of interest to me. So maybe I need to admit to myself that it was a bit of an excuse to take a break as well as an interesting subject/point of view.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I hope I learn something

Ok, so I keep having anxiety lately about my weight (as you can read in my previous posts). One day, I hope I look back on this time and see that this experience I am having right now has helped me in some way. I always try to look at the positives.

I put my old leather coat on today and it fits like a glove. It used to be too tight. I also put on an old shirt I had that was also too tight to wear....I can wear it now! So with this I say, maintenance is a good thing! Now I just need to try to stabilize this weight!

I think this stabilization period will also be helpful when I do get to my goal because then I may be familiar with what to expect. So far I think it may take me a good month to get it under control and stabilized, but we shall see. I hope I don't loose my mind in the process.

Thanks to everyone who has been commenting lately.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

A little gain and some insight

Okay, I gained .2 pounds this week :(. I really want to somehow stabilize this weight for the month. I have firmly decided I am going to try to maintain for a month. This is the start of week two of maintaining.

I ordered the "Set Point" book I mentioned in my last post from Amazon yesterday. I intend to get it on Monday. I really think there is something to it. That it is so much easier to lose the 10%, then it gets tougher. Not that it isn't always hard to lose anything...but I am hoping this will work. Guinea pig I will be. And perhaps it will reset my motivation.

I also asked myself what the rush is for losing more weight? I am not training for anything or in a contest, so it can take me as long as I need. The bf isn't happy about my decision for some reason..but I need to do what is right for me. (I know he wants me to be happy with myself).

I am not maintaining because I just want to eat more, it is more psychological for me. I think there are many emotional issues to weight. My issue is with anxiety. I have anxiety about maintaining the lost weight. I don't want to have to lose this 20 pounds ever again! I want to do it the right way.

I have lost this 20 pounds before and gained it back. I did that by trying to just keep losing all the time and never maintaining. So, if that didn't work the last time...why would it work now? And if it did could I maintain it?

Those are my anxious questions to myself at the moment.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Thinking about something

I ate 3 slices of homemade pizza last night. I got on the scale this morning..(because I am insane) and guess what? I am back to my gained weight of last week. I knew I probably should of stopped at the second piece...but it was so good. I did 45 minutes of jogging on the treadmill last night in an effort to make up for it, but it didn't really do me any good on the weight front. On the fitness end, it was great for me. I plan on taking it easy on the food today.

So hey, I said in my post yesterday that my only goal for this week was to if I maintain that is fine :(. I have been thinking and debating about trying to stabilize my weight for about a month, this would be week one. I haven't permanently decided, but I am pretty sure. I have read certain things online about losing weight in segments. Losing 10% of your weight, then maintaining for 6 months..then losing...maintaining. I think that makes sense, and it is something I haven't tried before. I have lost a little more than 10% of my weight and I am NOT gaining it back!

You see I have been on this roller coaster before. When I lose weight, I always have this anxious feeling of gaining...mainly a fear because I have gained it back so many times before. I want to lose another 20 pounds, but I am fearful that I couldn't maintain it. I think I really need to make some major life changes to keep 40 pounds off. I have to be honest, that scares me. Trying and working so hard, only to gain it back. That is a huge ego kill and very embarrassing. I need to think of some ways that I can change my lifestyle in order to keep it off. I don't know if what I do now is enough, but it is actually manageable for me.

I am proud of myself for the changes I have made already. I like that my pants fit again and are kind of loose. But then again, I want to be in my healthy BMI range. I want to be okay with my weight and if I am in the healthy BMI range, I will be okay for health reasons as well as psychological reasons.

I read a lot of other blogs and no offense to the others, but I don't want to be crazy about my weight forever. I don't want to spend years yo yoing and freaking out over every pound. I am almost starting to think this is inevitable and it truly makes me sad. I guess part of this is genes and the eating habits I grew up with that make it difficult.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Stomach better

Well, my stomach finally feels normal today. I got better on Saturday. I still wonder if I had a little bug or something. I have been eating 28 points all this week and it looks like I will be losing some this week. I probably won't lose all of the weight I gained last week...but that wasn't my goal. My goal was to try to keep my weight steady. If my weight goes up ever, I will always just try to steady it the next week by adding in maintenance points.

My bf doesn't seem to see things this way...but I have years of weight loss experience on him, so I don't listen to him. In fact, I probably won't tell him anymore about any gains..because he usually just makes it worse. This is the first time in his life he has had to watch what he eats.

I have noticed on the weeks I eat ice cream more than once, I gain. I can eat candy or skinny cows and I won't gain, so weird. The ice cream must not get digested or something? I might see if I can find some research about that. I do know that even if you eat the light ice cream, it is a very calorie dense food.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Stomach hurts

My stomach really hurts today. I feel really full and bloated from just eating my morning cereal. This does not make me feel good and the food feels like it is coming up in my throat a bit. I keep thinking maybe I ate too much yesterday, but I really didn't. I worked out an hour and ate the 28 points + 4 for activity + 2 extra of my extra points. I guess I don't think that should make me feel like I binge ate all night long. I had to skip my morning latte because I feel so full. Perhaps I should enjoy it because most of the time I am hungry.

I had a discussion with the bf yesterday and he feels disappointed about the 2.4 pounds this week. I told him that I didn't think they were real because I didn't think I ate 6,800+ calories extra last week..but he seems to think that I shouldn't eat dessert every night. I like eating dessert. It is super hard to wean myself off of it, but I guess he is right. He eats yogurt and fruit for dessert and I really don't enjoy yogurt enough to do that. I will try to keep searching for a healthier dessert for me to have, but it is hard. What is better than a candy bar or skinny cow?

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I need to remind myself

I showed my home last night then went out to dinner with the bf and some friends. I noticed that I was feeling insecure. I was feeling insecure because I was looking around and noticing how thin other women seemed to be. This somehow made me feel like I was a giant compared to them. I know I am not that big, and I realized that I need to stop comparing myself to other people. I almost do it unconsciously.

When I got home I thought about it some more and really started to think about how I let other people affect me. I don't like that I compare myself to other women and I want to start trying to just accept myself and love myself...without telling myself I want to look like her or that girl on tv or that girl in the magazine. I want to look like me. I really do like the way I look. I really do like myself and I don't want to be anyone else.

It is so easy to get caught up with how other people are. I just don't want to care about this anymore and I want to get past it. It really doesn't matter and it isn't enriching my life in any way. I also am working on being less judgemental, I can't judge someone else's life only my own.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

What is up with the scale?

Okay, I somehow managed to gain 2.4 pounds this week. This is more than I have ever gained. I did gain 1 pound, 1 time...but never 2.4 pounds. So I am stumped by this happening and hope it goes I know (because I journal honestly) that I did not eat the 6,800+ calories required to gain 2.4 pounds, so I don't plan on keeping this weight for very long. All I can say is that I accept that I gained weight and move on. I don't know what else to do? I just need to keep working out and I am doing 28 points this week. If I don't try to just maintain I will go insane. So as long as I need to I am just going to try to maintain.

It is always tempting to go crazy and not eat or cut my points to lose...but I honestly try to do the opposite of what I tell myself..because all those methods I tell myself have failed miserably time and time again. If it doesn't work I change it and I just keep trying to do different things. Torture is not ever a part of this.

This week has been a little tougher than I realized. I paid a large payment on my credit card and ended up overspending myself into my checking overdraft. I don't get paid until the 15th, so it is stressful not trying to spend. I still haven't sold my house and have all kinds of strange and stressful feelings about that all the time. This may be why I gained, I hear stress can do some things to your body. With all this, I never felt unusually stressed out, just more than the last week. It hasn't been unmanageable. I just keep trying and not let this weight gain devastate me. I can do it...I know I can.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Calories in a pound

So 3,500 calories equals a pound. I misquoted and said 3,400 in past posts. I have been having some issues this week with the scale going up. Yes, I got on today and was up 2 pounds and I know I need to wait to weigh myself until tomorrow...but I just had too.

This was perplexing to me because I know that I have not ate 6,800 calories extra this week, according to my journal. I have to say I didn't even gain that much on the cruise and I may of ate that amount of extra calories over. So strange, and I have a sneaking suspicion that weight gain isn't all science.

So with this event I think I am going back on 28 points again next week to keep my sanity. I know I am close to my goal, but I think I just want to try to maintain my weight for a couple of weeks or so. I feel much like I am going insane. The nice weather is playing back my old tapes of "of course you can get ice cream everyday"...once again. I have 20 or so years of old patterns to overcome and only a small amount of time with good ones. I am a creature of habit.

Yesterday I had a pretty good day with eating. I ate plenty of fruits and veggies and stayed within my points range. I then went for a good jog on the treadmill. I was pretty proud of myself, but had that uncomfortable hungry feeling that lead me once again to the ice cream in the freezer. So I was eating ice cream that hurt my stomach the day before at 9:46 p.m at night after exercising. What is wrong with me? Yes, I only ate a couple of spoonfuls...but why I don't know. It is just insanity at this point.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Good post

Okay, so Saturday and Sunday were the nicest days we have had so far in Michigan. They were a bit breezy, sunny and warm enough to enjoy being outside. These nice days always get me thinking about ice cream shops. Now, I realize that ice cream hurts my stomach...but that didn't stop me yesterday.

I usually go grocery shopping with the bf, but I went on Sunday instead without him. I passed on ice cream the first shopping trip and came home. I then realized at about 5 p.m. that I didn't have shallots for the chicken I wanted to I went back to the grocery store. What did I buy? Ice cream and not the light kind. I bought Edy's peanut butter cup. It has 3 points a half a cup. I made and ate a healthy dinner...then opened up the ice cream and had myself an eating bonanza of 1 1/2 cups of the stuff.

I waited about an hour after I ate all of that, then worked out for an hour. I guess I kind of felt a bit guilty for going over 9 points for the day...but I really wanted it. Not until I went to bed did I realize what it was about to do to my stomach. I woke up at 3 a.m. with really sharp, hot pains in my stomach. I could not sleep and felt horrible. My throat was sore too. Why don't I ever learn my lesson about ice cream? Why do I continue to put myself in such agony?

I really wanted it. I used to eat ice cream everyday. I rarely have it now. Can I give it up entirely? I don't think that will ever happen. All I can do is remember that awful feeling and remind myself before I go and feast on it. I don't think I am lactose intolerant...because I drink milk and eat cheese all the time and that doesn't bother me. So strange...but maybe it is a gift to keep me somewhat away from it.

Anyway, the scale has been up all I am not sure if I am going to get a lose this week. I think I may be heading for a 28 pointer week next week. They seem to help me re-motivate myself.

I want to thank Roni for a great post, you should read is about motivation to lose weight after you have lost some, but are not to your goal.

Friday, April 4, 2008

So Happy it is Friday

I am glad that the week is almost ended. I have been so tired all week...from what I do not know....but I did not get up and exercise today. We had a friend over for dinner last night and I didn't get to bed until 11:30, which makes it impossible to get up earlier for me. I had one of those nights where you go to bed and blink and it is time to wake up. I hate those nights. I hope to get caught up on sleep this weekend. I was also thinking of leaving work earlier today (because I stayed yesterday for a meeting) and working out before the bf comes home. Thankfully I have dinner in the crock pot so I don't have to cook, but I do need to make a run to the grocery store after work.

I need a relaxing weekend. I don't know how life all of a sudden gets tiring. It seems to come on unexpectedly. I think working out gives me more energy, which I need. The good thing is is that I haven't been eating out of control with the tiredness. I usually chow down when I am tired to make up for lost energy, but I haven't been all that hungry. I am just trying to take it day by day and week by week...and chug along on this lifestyle changing stuff. Eventually I will see the scale go down to the 170s...I so want that moment.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Workouts in the morning

Yes I want to work out more in the mornings, but why is it so hard to get up? The bf and I recently got a new mattress and it has been much harder since then to get outta bed in the mornings. I am so warm and cozy...why would I ever want to get up a half an hour earlier?

I am trying to not be hard on myself for not getting up, but is so great to have your workout done in the morning. It is so great to not to have to work out in the evening..or to just do some weights. Also statistics show that you loose more weight by working out in the morning because your metabolism gets higher and stays higher for the rest of the day.

I know all the good aspects of working out in the morning. I am blaming the bed for not going to bed earlier...cause if I go to bed earlier I can get up. Why are there so many good shows on at 10 p.m.? I have tivo I can watch them the next day...uggh. I am working on this. Tomorrow I am gonna get up...I mean it!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

The scale said earlier in the week that I lost more

I was anxious to hop on the scale this morning to see what I had lost for the week and was a little sad that it was only .2 pounds. That is still great because I lost, not gained or maintained..but just yesterday it said 181.8. Anyway, I know it is water or something...and I was too exhausted to work out last I am fine with a .2 lose this week. I shouldn't weigh myself the day before because it might bring false readings.

I have been losing on average, .5 pounds a week. I am okay with that. I think the slower I loose it the better. This is a lifestyle change and the changes I make slowly are leading me to a healthier weight. I am 77% to my first goal of 175 and I am going to get there..but I don't care how long as I don't have to starve or workout obsessively like a mad woman. I think I have said this many times, but I think life is too short to give up things you enjoy for vanity...even though I want to be at a healthy BMI. 165 to 170 (although on the high end) is an acceptable weight for me in the BMI scales.

I guess I think there is always the possibility that once I get to 165 that I will want to keep going (seems like I always did in the past). But I want to be happy with my success and learn how to maintain this weight before I go crazy losing more. I think maintaining is hard work...and I do need to learn how to do that also. When I get to 175, I plan on doing maintenance for about a month or two and give myself a break. Hopefully I can do that and not want to obsessively lose. All of this is easier said then done sometimes.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

I don't know why or how, but I am being successful

This week has been a good week for me. I have exercised regularly and have re-motivated myself to be back on track. How did I get back on track? Umm, I don't know..maybe that I just want to get to my first goal of 175.

Another thing that I have noticed is that my extra weight seems to bother me a lot more than when I was over 200. I think I was in denial about being overweight ?? I don't know how I was, but my extra weight seems to bother me more now and I really want it gone. I want no more extra hang on my tummy and for my thighs to get more firm. I don't think by any means that I have body dimorphic disorder..because I do think I look better....but I just want to take it further (and fit into my old pants). I know I will have times where it is rougher..but for now it is okay.

Last WW attempt I did not get as far and sabotaged myself at times. I had anxiety about losing weight for some reason. I still cannot figure out why...except I wasn't dating...and wasn't altogether happy with the way my life had been going. Don't get me wrong I still owned a home, had a good job and a puppy...but it always felt lonely and that something was missing. I do think humans are meant to cohabitate.

I don't have all the answers..but I keep searching and try to heal myself as much as I can every day. I really feel that I had emotional problems that lead me to overeat and binge. I still have emotional issues..but nowhere near what they were. I think learning how to deal with those really help you to get healthy. I just keep is all I can do.