Monday, June 30, 2008

Heathier eating

My co-worker is out on vacation this week, so it is just me holding down the fort in the office. The good thing is I can blare my music and watch any video online that I want...or I could get headphones and do it all the time..but they do crush my hair.

I have been realizing lately just how much my eating goes up when I don't have enough things to keep me busy. Like Sunday for instance...I was doing great not eating too much dessert, then Sunday hit and I ate 2 candy bars. Uggh, it is a vicious cycle. Just when I think I can overcome my sweet stuff eating...I go back to it. Why can't I change my diet for the better, for good? What is it that keeps me tied to eating candy? Perhaps available points...which I should be eating fruit with...but candy is much more tasty.

I am going to have to start thinking of something to correct this behavior. Next week I am starting back on 24 points and I am not sure how to do that without trying to cut some stuff out. 2 points a day is a is around a hundred calories. I know I don't want to cut down my breakfast..I guess lunch is the best time for me to cut down. I usually eat a 6 point lunch...but I am not sure how to make that less. I always eat a fruit and carrots w/ my lunch...but it is the lunch itself that is usually 5 points. If I don't eat enough I am dangerously hungry until dinner, and that is no good. The only thing I can think of is getting those points by doing an extra 30 minute workout. I have not been getting up in the morning to work out lately. We stopped carpooling because it was making me crazy, but I have still been getting to work earlier..and getting up early is hard. All I can do is try...or maybe get just a plain latte. I guess I will have to think some more about this.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Stress of Credit

So glad it is Friday. I really didn't sleep much last night and I really am in need of a break from work. I haven't worked out in 2 days, mainly because Wednesday was a bad day for me and I skipped it..then skipped it on Thursday because I couldn't get up in the morning. I have had a lot on my mind and find myself in weird mental places and thinking about very strange things. The big stress is that I am realizing how fragile my financial life is and I am making it my top priority to get out of debt. If I don't I will go crazy.

The situation: We need a new washer and dryer and went shopping for it last night. I really want new ones because I do all the laundry and the washer leaks and it takes 6 hours to dry clothes...but I just didn't want to sign up for another credit deal. I want to pay cash for I passed. I know I listened to my instincts, but it is hard to have self control for things like that because it is just too easy to get financing, because of my good credit. The bf does not have this ability. I have been watching a lot of Dave Ramsey lately and I really like his baby steps plan he has. I am going to try my hardest to resist temptation of credit...really hard. I need to to sleep better and for my own sanity.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

You do it to yourself....

I have again been feeling grumpy for the last 2 days or so. I just can't seem to find that good feeling and keep it. I think stress from money is a big factor in it all. I have always had problems with money, and somehow managed to feel happy before..not sure what is going on. I really have nothing to be unhappy about. This in itself makes me want to eat a bit more. I think the sugar makes things feel better momentarily....but I know it doesn't in the long run. I think another thing that may be making me feel down is my job. I just haven't been feeling very good about it lately, but I have been at the same place for the last 5 a change would do me some good. The weather is a little humid but nice and sunny, in the winter I blame my bad moods on the weather.

Sometimes I think that my bad moods weren't as noticeable before because I had more distraction from them. I used to go out to dinner or eat ice cream and ignore why I was not feeling so great. I really don't have that now, so maybe going through these issues I have are just more bothersome because I am actually dealing with them when they arise. Not just shoving food in my mouth and blaming them on my weight. I have nothing to blame but myself now, and maybe this is what is so bothersome to me.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Down a pound

I am down another pound and back at my lower maintenance weight which is really good. I had the licorice attack and it took me 2 weeks to loose the 2 pounds I think I gained with it. For some reason licorice makes me really gain weight...or the enormous amount of it I eat..and the calories and sugar. Hey, but it's low fat (we all know that doesn't matter). Oh, the things I tell myself.

Anyway, like I posted more week of maintenance then I am ready to loose my 7.2 pounds..however long it takes. Once I get to 175 though, I have to go down to 22 points..and I have not done that since learning weight watchers. We shall see how this goes. I have to say this week I am motivated and I really think I can start back at 24 points by next week. I have been eating a lot more fruits and veggies everyday..and that really helps to fill you up. I was starving though when I got home yesterday. The pork fajitas we had really hit the spot.

I decided to change my side bar and try to get to my first goal before posting my ultimate goal. I think this may help my psyche a bit.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Feeling good and positive

I have a weigh-in tomorrow and after next week Wednesday, I intend to start up my weight loss again. I have maintained my weight loss within 5 pounds for 3 months, hooray! I decided that I just want to try to get to my first goal of 175 pounds. I have 8.2 pounds to lose to get to that goal and I know I can do it. After that I am going to go back onto a maintenance plan..if it is too difficult to go any further.

It has been hard work maintaining, but now I know I can do it. The last time I lost about this amount of weight I immediately gained most of it back. I got frustrated and gave up. I admit it. I totally gave up and ate whatever I wanted...then I had foot issues and an eating partner bf, so I stopped exercising and gained back more.

I want this attempt to be my last attempt at losing this weight. I would love to get to 165 eventually, but I am going to be patient with myself. I don't have to loose it all at once, and I can take as long as I need too to do it. I think this has been my best maintenance strategy. I try really hard not too put too much pressure on myself.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Confessions of a Carb Queen

I read this book over the weekend. I got the book from the library on Friday and read the whole thing by Sunday. It was such an interesting read. I have been trying to get it from the library for quite some time. I know a lot of fellow bloggers have read it too.

I really loved how honest she was about what she ate and did. I loved how she used be a bodybuilder also. I started the book feeling sorry for her and ended it with cheering for her. She went to the Rice Clinic to loose her weight, which is a bit extreme..but I think she needed extreme to break out of her routine.

Even though I was (at times) disgusted by her eating, I noticed some similarities. I used to go on dates and eat something better and then go home and eat ice cream. I really looked forward to this after the date because I wanted desert or was still hungry. I did not do this once I met my current bf though....we ate and ate and gained together, but we also ended up losing together.

On another note...I went to a wedding outside this weekend and I have to say my weight bothered me. I bought a new dress, which I loved...but I was sweating in it on the sides of my stomach and legs..and it was really uncomfortable. I guess when you wear pants all the time you don't notice this that much. I would really like to loose more.

And my doggy, she has a bladder infection that I am treating with antibiotics. I have to take her back to the vet for another test in a couple of weeks to make sure it is gone. She seems to be doing well.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Woke up tired and cranky again...

Yep, I have been cranky all week in the morning. I haven't wanted to go or stay at work. I wish I knew what could make me happier, it is Friday..and that usually makes me happy. I have been taking my doggy to the dog park quite a lot lately, it is so nice to be in the sun. I brought her to work today because she has a vet appointment. She has been very lazy, hiding and I am worried about her doggy well-being. I am guessing that I will drop about $150 on blood tests for her..why is the vet so expensive? Anyway, it would be nice to have some peace of mind that things are okay for her. She is a big part of my family...I love her so much, I want her to be a happy doggy. So maybe when I see normal tests for her I will feel better?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Not into excercising this week

I had a very clever idea to go to bed early last night and get up to exercise. My lower back has been a little sore, so no I did not get up. I wrote a couple of days ago in my blog that I wanted to start exercising an hour a day. I don't know how this is possible if I can't even do my 30 minutes a day. Uggh. It just doesn't seem appealing to me to get on the treadmill, so I am thinking I should get up in the morning or evening and give my doggy a walk outside or something. I need to start thinking of alternatives. I am just such a creature of habit, that changing things up is hard for me. I want just enough break to want to get back on the treadmill. I am hoping it will happen.

Perhaps this is just a tough week and it is draining me. I don't have my usual energy and zest. I read about a problem that some women have right before their periods, called PMDD. I think I may be close to having something like that.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Moody and lost a pound

I somehow have become a very moody person in the last couple of days. I feel really out of whack and not happy in the way I usually am. I was pretty upset yesterday because I asked for a laptop for use in my job and got rejected...when I thought I was going to receive it. It was like I was punked or something...because my supervisor told me that it was "on it's way." That is only one of many things that I am just not thrilled about lately. On top of that I get very ornery around my monthly thing. I guess I didn't notice the correlation before, but it definitely effects me in a negative way. I just hope this all blows over in the next couple of days and I can get back to more of a contentment feeling.

In happier news I lost a pound from my last week high weight. I had the licorice problem last week and ate a whole bunch on Tuesday, the day before I weighed in. Last night I ate 2 extra 100 calorie candy bars because I was craving sweets soo bad. Anyway, I went to bed at 9 p.m. last night and slept all the way through. I of course woke up extremely grumpy....I hope I can shake this off. You just can't always "get happy" when you want..I understand people with depression a lot more now. I know I don't have it bad, but disappointment can make me absolutely miserable.

I hear on Oprah and in a lot of other things I read that you must try your hardest to make yourself happy and that includes taking chances to do it. The problem is, is that when you don't get what you want, it is really disappointing. I guess you just have to keep your head up and try try again...but it really is draining.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Road blocks

I really should of exercised last night, but I didn't. I really should of got up this morning to exercise, but I didn't. Why do I get into these funks? The last thing on my mind is exercising...but I know how much better I will feel if I just do it! I don't feel like my usual fantastic self today and that is because I didn't exercise.

Once again I have things going on in my life that are a tad bit stressful. I know I need to let up on myself, but I really do need to exercise...I just am really good at talking myself out of it.

I am going out to lunch today. We have a department lunch at an Italian restaurant. This sounds fun, but Italian is never all that healthy and I wouldn't worry about it otherwise...except for the fact that I weigh-in tomorrow. I hate it when that number isn't the best that I can make it and is up because I ate a little more for the day before. That happened last week too and on top of that is the monthly happening. I may have to just tell myself that the weigh-in tomorrow probably won't be all that good and hope it is better next week. What else can I do?

I never go out to lunch or dinner, and if I do it is Subway, Jimmy Johns or I do want to get something tasty today, but not go overboard. I took a break from carpooling this week because it was starting to make me crazy being stuck here. I know that is a bad excuse, but I felt stranded and trapped. I usually never went anywhere when I drove before, but I could also leave at a decent time and get home at a decent time.

I heard on the radio today (NPR) these people talking about the gas shortage and how the prices being at $4 a gallon is a good thing. They think it is good because people are driving less. I don't know about anyone else, but being cooped up at work and at home and not driving anywhere makes me want to go insane after a long are Americans going to be talking like this? Don't they want to have some sort of life outside their homes and jobs? Sometimes I think the backlash of all this positive talk is going to people rioting about it or something. I know I feel like I am slowly going crazy...summer is a time to get out of the house and go to the beach here. I haven't gone and probably won't because it would cost $40 of gas just to get there and sad. I miss the beach. :(

Monday, June 16, 2008

Not so good mood..but doing better

It is Monday and I am not in a great mood. I did do well this weekend with my eating and made some new meals, that was fun. Anyway, I guess I have a case of the blahs again. I have decided that I am going to try to bump my exercising up to 45 minutes in the evening. I haven't been working out in the mornings, mainly because I get up so much earlier for carpooling. I am not sure if I have given it up completely...I was trying to do it on Thurs. and Fri. mornings..but I suddenly decided that these would be my days off. That seems to be working for me at the moment.

I have 2 more weeks of maintenance, then I was going to try to start losing again. I am a little ambivalent about this, but if I start and feel that it is much too hard..I may pull it back for a little while longer..or do another 3 months of maintaining until I am ready. I don't want to have anxiety or feel uncomfortable about it. I want to feel like "I can do this."

Friday, June 13, 2008

2 Days of Sugar Fantastico

Yes, I had another day yesterday of sugar binging. I have now had my fill of sugar, I think. We had our monthly birthday celebration at work and I went a bit too far.
I had to make brownies for it and they were delicious..but not a lot of people ate them, so I got to bring them home. After dinner I downed many after having ice cream cake and a large cookie at the party.

I have to say that I blame my sugar episodes on anxiety. I get anxiety about any changes in my life or just because my brain thinks up a reason to get anxiety. It is really strange, my heart starts racing and beating loudly and I get all shaky and hot. I do not take anything for this because it happens so infrequently. I am not a believer of pills if you don't suffer all the time from something.

Anyway, I felt really bad after having all that sugar and I really want to eat healthy today. I think once you feel good and know what feeling good is want to keep feeling that way. Exercise and eating healthy does that for me. I kind of figured out today that when I did eat massive amounts of sweets it was not only because of anxiety, but it was just something I did. It was entertaining...or a routine I got myself into.

I hope I can get back on track this week and continue to try to get back to my maintenance weight and keep it there for another 3 weeks. Then I want to get back to losing weight again. My 3 months will be up for maintaining, which was inspired by this book.

I am not in a hurry to lose the weight I want to loose. I want to take my time and get to my goal without having to starve myself and give up everything I like to eat. That is just not sustainable for me. I have to say I feel more confident than ever and hope to keep gaining confidence as I loose weight safely and healthfully.

I was watching the show "Work Out" on Bravo the other day and Jackie said something along the lines of "you exercise to feel good, and after you feel better you start looking better" or something like that. I guess that is the goal.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Crazy sugar cravings, up .8 pounds

I took the day off yesterday from work and was super busy and unable to post. Tuesday afternoon ended up being a bit crazy with eating. I have had some small things to deal with lately that are causing me some anxiety. My automatic defense is to eat sugar or something..I don't know what got into me?

On Tuesday afternoon I had to install some software to a co-worker in another building. I still had my licorice craving, so after that I walked to CVS and went looking for my licorice fix. I ended up buying a big bag of licorice. When I got back to my office I counted out a serving, then another, then I just dumped a whole bunch from the bag and ate them all. I think I ate half the bag and felt quite sick about 30 minutes later. I starting feeling better by the time I left work..which was good, but the bf had some ideas for dinner.

He wanted to try the Papa John's whole wheat crust pizza. I really love pizza so of course I agreed and called for one right away. It was good, the crust was a little different..but in a good way. I do like the pizza I make a little more because I spice it up..but it was good. I then reminded myself after I ate 3 large slices that I had to weigh myself on Wednesday morning. So, I did and I am up .8 pounds this week. I had a couple of days of weakness and I think I am over my big licorice cravings for the most part...I hope.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Yesterday was rough

I am hoping today is not like yesterday with my eating impulses...even though I could not get to sleep last night. For lunch yesterday, I had the bf's car and went out to lunch to Jimmy Johns. I also stopped at a gas station for a diet Pepsi and twizzlers. I had a huge craving for it. Anyway I wasn't hungry after eating all that until dinner. I made quesadilla's, which were really good..but I didn't have any dessert in the house. So what did I do? I went to the grocery store and bought some candy. I bought Gharadelli caramel square (candy bar size), which is 4 points. I wanted it so bad I ate it in the parking lot. While I was driving home I had some weird eating impulses that I haven't had in a long time.

I wanted to break open the 100 calorie pack candy and eat every single one....and then I passed the local ice cream shop...boy I could go for a huge peanut butter cup flurry..all these thoughts of food in my head and being tired..chocolate. This really was a bad thing....and I resisted with a little help from the 12 pack of diet Pepsi I bought at the grocery store. As soon as I got home I got a glass with ice and downed the diet Pepsi. I then pushed myself to get on the treadmill. I did my 30 minute routine without many problems....but here is the thing, caffeine.

I gave up drinking caffeine in my sodas and have been drinking diet rite and diet 7-up only for years. I get caffeine from my morning lattes only. I have been drinking diet Pepsi a lot lately. I just don't think the caffeine kick is very good for me to get into the habit of drinking again. It was hard to wean myself off of it.

Anyway, I am allowing myself this pack and that is it. I have to quit the habit cold turkey and go back to caffeine free..but it does help me stick to things. Would the sun ever like to come out this week? I think I have seen more sun in the winter.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Raining again?

It has been raining since last week...and it is depressing. The rain and storms make me want to stay home with my bed blanket in pj's while laying on the couch and eating. I did this Friday and slept all day! I thought I was going through some wave of depression or something. I might of also exhausted myself cooking for my bf's birthday. It was hard to make yorkshire pudding. You basically have to put beef drippings and vegetable oil in a pan in the oven and let it heat up..then pour a batter into was scary, so hot. I ruined the first batch and made the bf help me with the second. I ate a lot and the pot roast was really good. I was really full and anxious to get back on track after that....but then the rain came down and I got depressed the next day. I could not get out of bed.

Luckily, I snapped out of it on Saturday with some sun and Kung Fu Panda! We saw it 2 times in a row in IMAX...that was how much I liked it! Because I was in such a bad mood before I saw it I think the bf wanted to keep me happy, so he took me and his nephew to see it again. I have never seen a movie twice in a row on the same day...but the movie appealed to me in so many ways.

I read an interesting article on msnbc today about fad diets and the facts. I was happy that they actually had an article that didn't make me feel bad about myself or tell me that my lifestyle changes won't stick. Several upstanding people from Universities and Medical Centers were cited also..making it seem much more legitimate to me. This makes me think I am on the right track and it is okay to take losing weight slow and steady.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Warning: Bad eating day has arrived

Okay, it was my bf's birthday yesterday but we are celebrating it today. He wanted his favorite dinner, pot roast with yorkshire pudding and mashed potatoes. I am not sure how healthy pot roast meat is..but the yorkshire pudding is really bad because it is all vegetable oil and meat drippings. I also will be making him a strawberry cake with strawberry ice cream. So I know this doesn't sound like too bad of a dinner if you keep your portions down...but wait there's more!

I have a department lunch today and a local bbq joint is delivering it. What did I order? I tried to be good, but I ordered bbq roasted chicken...which comes with a 1/2 pound of fries. So this is my day of eating laid out before you....I hope I am not too sick to cook dinner. My stomach is simply not used to food like this and I need to remember to take it easy! Wish me luck in digestion.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

1 more month of thoughts

So I just finished a 3 month food/exercise journal and in 3 months I did actually lose .8 pds. I am not sure if I tried to do maintenance the whole 3 months, but I think the last 2 months were. I guess I finally have the maintaining part down and feel comfortable with my exercise routine. I asked myself this morning while getting ready for work...can I do more? My answer was mixed to myself. I know I can do more, but in the past when I have done more I got burned out fast and stopped exercising completely. How do you know when to say this is good...or I am doing what I can fit in without giving up too much?

I feel that to loose more or maintain might take me joining a team sport or incorporating at least an hour of exercise a day. I dread doing 30 minutes..even though I think I will do extra on a day..I never do. So I got to thinking that maybe I can do my level 1 chip for the treadmill (the one I started with) as my extra workout. I wouldn't have to do 2 jogging workouts in a day and would get an easy extra one in. This might work or be a possibility...but would adding a low impact, lower level workout help me? I don't know..but maybe it is worth trying. Maybe it will lead to me doing 2 jogging workouts eventually. I could try this in a month after my maintenance period has ended. I would like to lose at least 10 more pounds to fit into my old pants. I really want to wear those! When I wore them, I got there by starving myself on 1,000 calories a day and protein shakes...I won't do that again..EVER!

I read an article on msnbc the other day about fat cells. I have seen other blogs writing about it as well. I sometimes regret that I read msnbc because of articles like this. They explained a depressing fact that you have your fat cells developed at the age of 20. That means you cannot get rid of any..but of course, you can add more. This got me thinking that I probably was at or near the weight I am now when I was 20. I think I was about 185 in 8th grade, a fact that I was traumatized into remembering..and kind of stayed there until college. Then I had the yo-yo diets.

I didn't mention this before but I come from a family that has a long line of morbid obesity and most of them didn't live very long. Most of my family had heart attacks and diabetes related deaths. I want to overcome this history and if I start my own family not pass this onto my kids.

I watched a re-run of Oprah last night while on the treadmill about people losing massive amounts of weight. I struggle with 10 pounds and these people have lost is crazy. When interviewed, most of them worked out an hour a that amount of exercise seems usual for most people who want to keep their weight down. I read also in the weight control registry that most of the maintainers there also do an hour a day, 5 to 6 days a week. I guess I have to start working myself up to an hour. I hope I can do it and have it fit in as easily as the half an hour does now...I hope.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Posting and stuff

I didn't really have much to post about yesterday, so I skipped it. I somehow forgot my Lean Cuisine for lunch yesterday so I ended up walking to Subway to get a turkey sub. It was such a nice day outside that I decided to go for a walk to Starbucks (about 3 miles away). I was wearing my Birkenstocks, but walked a bit too far..resulting in blistered feet. I got to Starbucks had my hot latte in 80 degree weather and headed back limping. Why did I do this? Um, not wanting to work and temporary insanity...I think.

I was exhausted when I got home last night and I now have to let my feet heal up. No exercise last night or this morning...hoping to do it tonight. No walking today and it is raining anyway. My bf's birthday is coming up Wednesday (but celebrating Thurs. by his choice) and I am making him his favorite fatty meal...pot roast and yorkshire pudding. They had the recipe in my Betty Crocker cookbook! This is the first time for me making this...hoping I don't mess it up badly...being it is his birthday meal and all. I am putting the roast in the crock pot, so that will be fine. I am also making him a strawberry cake...oh and I have a department lunch at this really fatty BBQ place around here so Thursday will be one heck of a greasy, fatty eating day. I think all my extra points will be gone after that day. Uggh.